And we are all done with the 12 traits – 12 rhymes challenge! As promised, below you will find an explanation of each characteristic (as some rhymes might have been a bit cryptic and perhaps not 100% “scientific”).
- INTENSE – from very early on we’ve heard that we have a “high-maintenance” little one on our hands. EVERYBODY said that, midwives, GPs, pediatricians, lactation consultants… you name it – we’ve heard it all! We were a bit fooled by his performance right after birth and still in the hospital. He slept peacefully by himself, in the crib, and had to woken up for food! Most HNB can be already identified at this stage – loudest and clingiest from them all! Boy, what a little faker!! Turned out, our Fussy was just very tired from a difficult delivery and had to sleep it off to gain enough power to show us his true face. His cries were (and still are) never a gradually increasing complains, they are an instant and urgent request, going from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds. Absolutely no way of delaying response with this little dude – it will just make the soothing time that much longer and harder. HNB cry loudly, laugh with great enthusiasm (I agree, it melts your heart), and protest in the most forceful way possible. You can even see intensity in their body language – often with clenched fists, arched backs, tensed faces. Nothing is ever second gear with them, always full throttle. Intense babies turn into driven toddlers, always curious, running ahead for new adventures and things fearlessly. It will be your number one nightmare and your number one delight! What can get them in serious trouble can also, with the right amount of guidance, drive their creativity and thirst for knowledge.
- HYPERACTIVE – this is not necessarily a negative term (like all other characteristics listed) and it’s a subjective call (what seems hyper for me, might be within norms for a parent with higher energy levels… yes, I’m a bit of a sloth). It doesn’t mean that your kid will always be stuck with this label or that it will need addressing (by psychologist or psychiatrist). It’s not necessarily connected with ADD or ADHD. It might feel though like your baby is wired up, always busy, always in motion. And it can change depending on your child’s environment – our Fussy is all over the place ALL the time at home but, in bigger crowds, turns into a shy boy (for a second) and can sit quietly observing or playing by himself away from others. Keep in mind that lots of today’s greatests minds would have been labelled as HNB.
- DRAINING – it often feels like my kid absorbs every little particle of my energy (and all done by 9am) and then wants more; A LOT more. “Draining” suggests that this energy is wasted but don’t be discouraged – think of it more like of channeling – channeling your energy into your child to help them thrive. And, however difficult it might be (I totally feel you), try to muster as much positive attitude as possible (easier said than done, establishing “wine o’clock” after bedtime proves scientifically helpful). Remember: what you give now, will pay back in the future.
- FEEDS FREQUENTLY – for most babies, feeding doesn’t only have nutritional value, it also provides comfort. And HNB require a lot of both. They rarely settle for any parenting-book-based feeding schedules and simply follow their own. In our case, it meant feeding once per day – 24/7. Few sips, short break, few more sips, and another short break. It was a pain in the butt but we wanted our little one to a) be well fed and b) feel comforted. And no matter what we did (lactation consultations, trying various formulas, visits to the clinic, reading through the whole La Leche website) NOTHING made a difference. At the beginning, we gave in a bit to the western-world style where your baby should be fed at certain times, certain amount on each side, after wake up, before nap etc. But he had his own system and, as much as I hated it, I followed it. At least with breastfeeding you don’t have to worry about overfeeding your baby (formula fed babies might need a bit more control over calorie intake). So nurse your baby as much as they need and come to peace with the fact that there is no such thing as ‘routine’ or ‘schedule’ with most of HNB (or life as you knew it).
- DEMANDING – request = demand. And it has to be met NOW! There was no way to delay responding to our Fussy’s cries as they only escalated and it was happening fast. He never just woke up from his nap, giving me time to finish doing dishes, or drinking coffee before addressing his complaint. I could NEVER get to him fast enough to prevent early cry. It might feel at times like you are being manipulated or controlled (and boy, did we get lots of advice on how to stop him from manipulating us) but it’s just the way your baby is wired. With time, and once your baby knows that you will be there to quickly comfort him, he will learn that there are other ways of making demands (more socially acceptable) and this, in a long run, can be channeled into children’s determination. They will turn into adults who know what they want and know how to be persistent at pursuing it. It can drive you nuts (it drives me absolutely bananas most of the time) but it’s also one of those traits that will help your kid succeed in the future. Keep in mind though, that it is our task as parents to teach our children understanding that others also have needs that have to be met – it will help them become compassionate on top of demanding (see, I told you it is not necessarily a negative term). It is one of a greatest challenges of parenting a HNB though – channeling demand into determination while steering it away from controlling. For more advice on this, have a look at “The fussy baby book” by Dr.Sears.
- AWAKENS FREQUENTLY – it seems like there is one thing that HNB don’t need in excess and, unfortunately for parents, it’s sleep (DARN). They have their own biological clock and no matter what we tried, we couldn’t change that. I will write a separate post on things that helped us cope with Fussy’s sleep routine but have a look at “The Baby Sleep Book” by Dr. Sears and “The Happiest Baby on the Block” by Dr.Karp. Both provide plenty of advice on how to address some sleep problems and how to create a sleep friendly routine.
- UNSATISFIED – sometimes you might use EVERYTHING you have in your soothing arsenal and NOTHING seems to work. No amount of rocking, bouncing, cuddling, kissing, swaddling, tiger positions, tummy rubs, tummy times, back rubs, baby massage, lullabies, toys will work. It’s hard not to take it personally but it’s not a reflection of your parenting. It’s just another trait that feels like a pain in the butt and it’s something that they will grow out of (as a mom of a 2 year old I’m speaking from experience here).
- UNPREDICTABLE – There was never a way of predicting what would work today with our Fussy; will he fall asleep lying next to me, will I need to rock him for 2 hours?! What seemed like an absolute hit yesterday, was no longer acceptable the next day. Exhausting, I know, but it’s a trial and error most of the time (sounds ok if you are a fan of surprises). Their moods can also be all over the place. Once in a great mood – our Fussy is an absolute pleasure to be around, when cranky – lord, have mercy! It’s a challenge to plan anything ahead with such uncertainties. We had to play it by ear for a long time before we could afford taking “risks” such as going out for a coffee. It was a Russian roulette of “will he charm everybody around with his toothless smile” or “raise hell and go bonkers as soon as we dare to sit down because he decides he is hungry but won’t eat with so many distractions”. For me it was a bit much with everything else going on and not exactly something that I found pleasurable or relaxing. You can only be sure of one thing – your life will not be boring with HNB!
- SUPER-SENSITIVE – most HNB are very aware of their environment and get overstimulated in no time. This was not always the case with our Fussy (he didn’t seem bothered by his surroundings much but could definitely go from “I’m fine” to “hell broke loose because I’m tired” in a matter of seconds). It did feel however like we had to “walk on eggshells” around him most of the time (wanting to minimize reasons for him to get upset) and we had to implement and stick to a lot of witchcraft (A.K.A. bed-time routine), followed religiously, to have him settled down for night-time (and tiptoe and hush to avoid waking him). But it’s one of those traits that can turn out to be beneficial for the future. Those babies will be able to “read” the environment as they are always aware of what is going on. You can help them channel this awareness into curiousness, and this into thirst for knowledge and learning. With right guidance they will turn into children who can spot and recognize other kids in distress. They will care and show empathy. They will learn to recognize how their actions might impact others and will consider it before proceeding (a helpful self-discipline trait). He’d better be on a way to winning a peace Nobel price as it sure does feel like A LOT of work! My rhyme for this trait says “easy to read” and it might seem difficult to believe when you try everything to comfort your little one and nothing works. But, if you think about it, HNB are quite easy to read – if anything makes them uncomfortable (emotionally or physically) you can be sure that they will bring it to your attention.
- CAN’T PUT BABY DOWN – not only they want to be held all the time, they have to be in motion (or, like my Fussy, me standing up with him was sometimes enough, but absolutely no sitting while holding was allowed). Most HNB crave skin-to-skin contact and won’t settle for alone time in the crib (no matter how fancy their carousel is or how comfortable and gorgeous their bed are). Some babies might seem a bit resistant to cuddling even though they seem even more restless while lying down (oversensitive trait kicks in); calm and patient approach might help here. Also, try giving them some space (e.g. time while you are close enough for your baby to sense you next to them). Usually babies like that, warm up to close touch and contact with time. Patience, my darlings.
- NOT A SELF-SOOTHER – one of the traits of HNB is their constant need to be around a caregiver, and objects such as pacifiers, teddies or soothing blankies just won’t cut it. They are smart and tricky like that! It can, once again, be exhausting for parents who are always needed to settle the little one down but, in the long run, it teaches children about intimacy and gives them a much better understanding of close interpersonal relations. Although most HNB can’t fall asleep by themselves, with time and plenty of effort on parents’ side (PLENTY, PLENTY), they will learn to settle by themselves and fall asleep alone. Don’t lose hope!
- SEPARATION SENSITIVE – last but not least important; HNB tend to select a VERY small group of people who they feel comfortable enough to be close to. In our case, I was the only (gosh, seriously, THE ONLY) person our Fussy tolerated to be held by in the first 4 months of his life; then I was replaced by daddy (“oh no!” she said sarcastically…) Until he was 9 months it was virtually impossible to leave him with anybody else; he barely allowed other family members to hold him for more than 2 seconds (usually started crying before being handed over to somebody else). Knowing this and my baby, I remember how annoying it was for me when somebody (even friend or family member) approached me and, without even asking, reached out to take my baby from me. It most probably made me look like a completely overprotective helicopter mom (not that I cared much of what other people thought) but oh well… Right now he is ok to stay with a well known person for a little bit (or with grandma for as much as needed, because well… she is his number two now). This is perfectly normal if you look at it from baby’s point of view. Up until about 2-3 years old, babies do not see themselves as separate from main caregiver (usually mom) and it explains why they might feel anxious when taken away from their parents. Modern strive for being independent as soon as possible goes completely against it, creating a very frustrating (for parent) and filled with anxiety (for baby) situations. This too shall pass and soon enough your baby’s inner circle of trust will expand and they will allow more people who they trust to take care of them.
For more information on HNB traits have a look at “The fussy baby book” by Dr.Sears – real gold mine of wisdom in this subject.
And if you are still not sure whether you are dealing with HNB yourself, take our quiz.
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