I feel like the number one tip (although not necessarily easiest to adopt) is to stop comparing yourself and your baby to others. It might make you feel like you are a bad parent (which you are NOT), that you are doing something wrong (which, again, you are NOT) or that there is something wrong with your baby (there ISN’T – given that you’ve excluded all potential medical reasons that might be behind excessive fussiness). Give yourself a break. Parenting is a tough task by itself and parenting a HNB is tough on speed and steroids. Accept that your baby is different and lower your expectations; it definitely decreased my stress and anxiety levels once I came to terms with the fact that Fussy boy is just more challenging that others (like, a LOT) and it doesn’t seem like it will change anytime soon.
Don’t focus on other parents’ stories on how their 3 month old baby sleeps through the night, settles by itself or sits for hours without anybody’s attention. Some kids are like that and dwelling on how ours isn’t will only make things worst for yourself. Plus, we never know how much this is actually due to baby’s character or whether somebody used cry out methods to achieve that or whether there aren’t any other issues underlying angel baby’s behaviour. True story: a friend told me once something that keeps reminding me in the times of hardship (which is almost every day) of how lucky we are (I know, hard to believe but wait). She had a friend whose kid, approximately same age as her HNB, was a complete opposite – most parents dream: sleeping, self soothing, self entertaining from a very young age… Well it turned out after few years that the child was autistic. And the moral from that story for me was that you never know the whole story behind low-maintenance kids. Some parents are just lucky to have an easy-going child, some have other issues that they are just not including in those jealousy-spiking stories. I don’t argue here that there is any kind of correlation between easy-going kids and any kind of mental health problem.
Also, don’t trust the social media’s perfect parents. Everybody looks different in the photos. Even our minion can appear angel-like! You will hardly ever see tantrums on the public family photos!
Focus on the positives, good moments, reaching milestones, and your kid’s small and big achievements. Remember that what seems like a negative trait now (e.g. demanding) can turn with time into a positive one (driven and curious). Have a quick look at How HNB traits change throughout the time. Keep in mind that you are the person who can help your little dragon thrive and reach for the stars. Set boundaries but keep your baby close (attachment parenting works usually best with them – see Dr. Sears). And be flexible.
Another thing that we found helpful was ignoring all “well-meant” advice on how we should (or should have) handled our child. Sometimes it was combined with a comment on how we spoiled him and turned him into a demanding terrorist who gets whatever he wants (as if he wasn’t like that from day 1). High-need babies are born, not made. Those who think otherwise, in 99% cases do not parent one of the spirited dragon children. Just nod along and ignore. And maybe try to skip the “HNB” term. If someone didn’t experience it, chances are they will just take it as a made-up term that is supposed to excuse misbehaving child or incompetent parenting. Be ready to have your opinion dismissed, but hopefully, one day, HN will be as widely known as introverted or extraverted…
Try to find what works best for you (and your baby). Whether it’s co-sleeping (or co-lying half awake while our Fussy dragon kicks us all over), bouncing, baby wearing or nursing till he turns 10 (ok, a bit weird but whatever helps us survive). It might seem like you are caving to their every little need while foregoing your own, but trying to stick to activities and routines that work for you guys can make a big difference. Do it for your temporary sanity. It will improve with time.
Go outside! HNB are natural born explorers who despise boredom and being still. What works best for us (most of the time) is spending days outside. Takes a lot of pressure off and provides tons of activities. Fresh air brings better sleep and can help us relax a bit too. Disclaimer: What works for one HNB might not work for another…
I cannot emphasise it more – ASK FOR HELP. You are going to need it. A lot of it. I know how it can sometimes backfire and result in lectures on parenting or how difficult it can be. For the first 7 months our Fussy boy accepted only me as a SOLE caregiver and raised absolute hell if somebody even looked at him funny. Try to sneak in some moments for yourself. Does your baby sleep during walks? Wait for him to fall asleep and have your partner, grandma or a friend to take over pushing the pram while you take a moment to do whatever you feel like – chances are it will be a private bathroom break. Is there a time of a day when your baby seems a bit more easygoing? Have somebody entertain him while you sneak in a cheeky nap. There is absolutely no way to leave your baby with somebody else? Ask for help with chores, cooking, shopping… (If you are making it through the day alive, you are doing a great job already, but even a super-human needs a hand from time to time.
And don’t hesitate to involve your partner. S/he might be tired after a whole day at work but what you are doing (even as a stay-at-home-parent) is also hard work. Together at conception, together at raising and contributing to family life (I am lucky in that respect). Make sure your child understands that both parents participate in his life. There is plenty of research out there that this will create healthy models for his future adult life and will allow him to bond and enjoy quality time with both of you.
Find a support group – a friend, neighbour, family member who understands what you are going through and who won’t judge you situation. Chatting about your struggles with somebody who understands could make all the difference in the world and you never know how many valuable tips you might pick up from other parents (even when you think that you’ve tried it all). Post on a local mum fb group or a HNB group, ask a paediatrician to post a flyer at their office board; it’s usually filled with pharma crap so why not something useful?! Don’t hesitate to reach out! We are out there; just as alone as you might feel…
Find an outlet for your frustration. Whether it’s writing (I rhyme), painting, scribbling on the paper, narrating your life with humour (doesn’t have to be written down if you have no time), cooking/baking while they sleep, reading books, going for long walks while baby wearing (if your baby is “allergic” to pram like mine was), watching a little piece of that favourite TV series while dancing with your baby, participating in fb group discussions with likeminded people or just blankly stare at the wall to reset you mind a little bit. Find whatever works.
And know that this is all temporary. It sure doesn’t feel like it at the time (I know!) but soon you little one will accept more people in her inner circle of trust and you will be able to regain a little bit of independence and sanity.
Drop me a line if you have any questions on how we survived our first two years! can’t wait to hear your stories too!!
