As a high-need baby parent you might think “what kind of witchcraft are you talking about?!” It might be indeed very difficult to introduce routine into your fussy baby’s life, something that we all long for. Don’t get me wrong here, surprises at every step are also a hoot, but walking on eggshells and guessing what’s going to happen non-stop can be utterly exhausting. Especially if you are already a sleep- and patience-deprived parent.
I’d like to clarify though that I do not include feedings under routine schedules. With breastfed babies (which is what we did) it is recommended to feed on demand as your milk supply adjusts to baby’s needs (and, as I was reassured repeatedly by midwives, paediatricians, lactation consultants and research, you cannot overfeed an exclusively breastfed baby). There is a big discussion whether babies should be fed first thing after waking up (with reasoning that going to sleep right after milk is as comfortable for kids as it is for adults to call it a night, especially right after a big meal – spoiled alert, it isn’t). Or whether feeding last thing before the nap is better (and here there are arguments for shorter sleep time due to emptying tummy (breastmilk is fairly quickly digested – up to 1,5h as opposed to formula which can hold off for 3-4h). For us, this was never an issue. To keep up with Fussy traits, he was feeding once a day, all day long … Before the nap, after, sometimes in the middle. There were also mid-play snack attacks, comfort eating and “I tried everything 10 times, let’s try feeding again” cases. We also never managed to follow the golden tips of 20 minutes feed on one side and 20 minutes on another… He was fast and furious when it came to eating (unlike now) with lots of hit and miss business. So it’s best to listen to your baby’s needs here (as you will soon notice, this will be a kind of a theme here).
Getting back on track – routines: Early on we’ve read every book on babies sleep, soothing techniques, even cry out methods (which we did not use) and came up with a solid bed time routine from the very early days. We were a bit resistant to the idea on putting a baby “on a schedule” as even scientists do not always agree whether it’s needed or even when it’s best to introduce it. But when you feel hopeless, you grab whatever you can – especially when it makes sense! It introduces sense of security, sanity, peace and predictability to the chaotic life in the outside world (Mindell). Logically, babies are born without an ability to understand what nights and days are for, so our top rules here were: no lights (or as little as possible) after bed time, no talking (soothing whispers at best) and no playing. After all, it was our job to teach our Fussy boy the difference between night and day and show him what they are for (not that he seemed to care much at the beginning but that’s a different story).
One of the obvious (and I use the term “obvious” very loosely because it became “obvious” after reading about it) tricks to help babies sleep is to have a some kind of a routine that will help babies wind down before nighttime. This might be a flexible mixture of bath time, feeding, brushing teeth (or gums), relaxing massage (this never worked for us as he was way too impatient for any SPA treatments), lullabies, stories etc. Or it might be an army-worthy strict schedule that is followed every night, which is exactly what we found most helpful (to the point where deviations would cause our anxiety attacks in anticipation of routine-deprived-dragon unleashing hell upon us). It included exact same elements (relaxing bath, moisturising, dressing up, feeding, lullabies, cuddling/rocking) done in the precisely same order. Plus black out curtains – especially if you live in a place like Scotland where summer days don’t end until 11pm! And some white noise which was a real life saver as our dragon used to wake up even with the sound of my patience running low.
These changed with time and according to our dragon’s current needs, but once we manage to establish what works this week/month, we stick to it. And it helps! I can see some of you shaking their heads with disbelief because a) you don’t think it will work with your baby or b) you’ve tried everything and it didn’t work… I feel you. With fussy babies routine is not a quick fix, it might not make a significant difference (but I’m a strong believer that in hard times every little bit helps) and might be subjected to constant revision and changes, but sticking to it can really improve bed time and quality of your baby’s sleep in the long run.
We tried to follow day routine too and stick with age appropriate naps but this was a constant hit and miss. His general, near-constant fussiness made it extra difficult to learn and understand his cues so although we constantly tried to anticipate nap times, it was not always feasible. Don’t give up though and play it by ear!
Here are few tips on how to (attempt to) create a healthy routine and help your little one ease into it:
- Introduce them early on (especially bed time routine) – even as early as 2 months (according to Altman* babies can be ready for routines around 2-4months) but don’t panic if you have an older baby and haven’t done it yet – start today! It can be anything from 10-30minutes (for ideas have a look above at what worked for us), pick a time (can be as early as 7pm), keep it simple, keep the lights dimmed, voices lowered. Make it obvious for the baby that this is when bed time starts. With time, your little one will understand what is coming next and winding down will be much easier (forgive my comparison but it is a little bit like conditioning – after a while certain action can cue sleepiness in your baby’s brain)!
- Listen to your baby. Read their cues. Even iron solid routine can crumble around growth spurts, sick days, reaching milestones, environmental changes etc. Also, be prepared that routine will change with time and adapt to your baby’s needs. Be on a lookout for cues and adjust.
- Teach your baby as early on what night and day are for. It will minimise (I’d love to say eliminate but lets be realistic) middle of the night playtimes or 4-5h sleep stretches during the day…
- Keep your baby’s routine as a priority. I am probably subjecting myself to a lot of hate for this statement as it sounds opposed to the notion “happy mom/dad – happy baby”. This is absolutely true in case of most babies but I’m afraid rules rarely ever apply to HNB… We’ve skipped on numerous dinner dates as we had a strict bed time hour and postponing meant hell breaking loose. We’ve put our kid’s routine as a number one not only for him (mostly) but also because introducing this peace promoting element into his day was making it easier for us (thus keeping us happier! BA-DUM-TSSSS – take it haters!)
- As with most of things concerning HNB, be ready for set backs, fails, not-even-near-perfection and don’t get discouraged. It’s the long term benefits that we are fighting for and they will pay off!
- Be flexible and give yourself a break when things don’t go according to the plan and pat on the back when you succeed! You’ve earned it – it is not an easy task.
We’ve had it very rough at the beginning (always in my arms as an infant, sleeping on me, feeding 24/7 and yet struggling with breastfeeding, waking up bazillion times at night, starting days as early as 4:30am… to name a few). But I would like to believe that keeping the routine every day for the past 2 years paid off and now we have a toddler who is capable of falling asleep by himself (CAUTION: capable does NOT mean willing to do so every night), and sometimes wakes up 1-2 per night and usually falls back asleep with no or very little help. For some it’s nothing, for others (us) it’s a unbelievable achievement…
*Tanya Altman “The Wonder Years: Helping Your Baby and Young Child Successfully Negotiate the Major Developmental Milestones”.
*Jodi Mindell “Sleeping Through the Night”.
