I would like to first thank all of those who took the time to fill out my survey. I know time is money, especially while parenting a high-need baby (HNB), so I really appreciate all the support! It took me a while to analyse the results (mostly because I also have one of the HN dragons) but it’s here and it raises some valuable points. I took the liberty to refer to them as “we think”, “we feel” etc. because it turns out we, parents of HNB, are pretty similar in regards to how we try to deal with reality and how we see things on parenting. Maybe it’s our secret HNB bond but I completely feel you, I’ve been there, and two years in, I still am most of the time. Ok, I did not make a graph like Lisa Simpson says, but I should mention here that this was an initial study and the results merit a much more careful consideration than what I had time to put. As you will see, the results help raise some follow-up questions and I am far from putting a fulstop (fussstop) in the study. If you want to see some “features” further investigated please drop me a lin
e in the comments or email me directly.
The characteristics of HN kids that came up most often were: demanding and draining, unable to put baby down (“unputdownable”), with little or no self-soothing abilities, and very intense. I agree completely!In fact, most of the time it feels like my boy ticks ALL of those traits and then some (hates car rides, won’t just sit down by himself, breastfed all the time, cries/moans A LOT, needs to be by my side all the time etc., you name it, I’ve most probably been there). Since we are on this, check out some of my half bitter, half funny rhymes to see what we are going through; most of you will probably relate and maybe even smile at familiar struggles.
Being a high-need parent often means feeling alone; nobody understands what we are going through, and we usually feel isolated and utterly exhausted. Taking care of a very demanding and draining kid affects our well-being and can push us to the absolute limits of both human and supernatural patience. Most of us find comfort and support in our partners. Let’s face it, they are the ones who are in this war zone with us. Although some of you mention that even your partner is not 100% on board with parenting methods or actions that you chose, approximately half of you can count on them. Very few of you mention family members and friends as your support circle, but it’s pretty discouraging that most of the time we are left all by ourselves with daily struggles.
What is not very surprising for me (as I felt like that for a long time) is that the majority of us (over 80%) feels like nobody from our immediate environment (except from partners) understands what we are going through (hence the feeling of any kind of minuscule support from people close to us). A lot of family members and friends think that we exaggerate (42%) or, worst, that it is our fault (32%) that our little ones are like that — you know, with all the “spoiling” with attachment parenting, love, cuddles, nursing on demand, etc. they’d better call social services.
Turns out all we really need is just a little bit of understanding, a bit of help so we can have a moment to ourselves to rest, catch up on chores without all the judgement and critique (big emphasis on that part), and maybe an opportunity to unload some emotions during a talk. Especially with someone who can relate and give valuable advice or, more importantly, simply listen (judgement free).
I know it can be hard to even think about somebody else taking care of our HN babies so we can feel like our old selves for a moment. Like the majority of you, every time I do leave my precious I feel anxious, guilty, and relieved at the same time, but also worried that somebody might lose patience with him or that something will happen to him. He is just such a fearless daredevil that needs constant supervision and talking off the ledges. Interestingly (and annoyingly), a big portion of you (and I completely relate, hence my feeling of annoyment) mentioned that your dragons usually behave a bit better (48%) or at least the same (25%) without parents present as they do while with parents. Only a very small group of HNB turns their high-needing level even higher once left with somebody else (7%). Note: by saying “behaving worst” I did not mean it in a derogatory way. I simply mean more challenging for a caregiver (e.g. kids getting more upset, anxious, clingy, crying uncontrollably, being unconsolable, acting out etc.). All those behaviours, as difficult to manage as they are, are usually a sign of an emotional distress.
Not surprisingly, we often don’t want other people’s advice as their lack of understanding of our children’s behaviours and needs leads them to give us a “wonderful” advice on using various cry-out methods and sleep training – don’t even get me started on those…(maybe the subject of a future post).
What I found particularly interesting, while reading your responses was the fact that 63% of kids described as high-need were diagnosed with some kind of health issues (most common including colics, reflux, tongue ties and various allergies and intolerances plus, in some cases, SI (sensory integration) problems, lip ties, and increased/lowered muscle tone). In many cases, some of those issues were combined. Since a big portion of respondents have infants under 6 months, I can only speculate how many were not diagnosed YET (it took us almost a year to establish that our little one has milk protein allergy; and FIY NHS UK: prolonged diarrhoea in babies is NOT a normal thing). I do not want to claim that it’s the health issues that turn babies into high need dragons (I am a firm believer that kids are not born as blank slates but they are born with their own character that is developed and shaped throughout their lives) but maybe there is something to it. Maybe that’s why they need this extra bit of cuddling, extra bit of rocking, that’s why they are more clingy, less patient, need extra time and effort to settle or explode easier… This is a fascinating introduction to further research that would need to include a non-high-need group for comparison but seems like we might be onto something here (definitely better than being left with a notion that my little Fussy boy is just a bit of an ass). With your support and participation I would love to explore it further in the future!
Here is something that I came across in our HN journey. I went through different doctors’ offices and was called an “over sensitive and overacting parent” because I was trying to find a reason for my baby’s constant crying (sue me)… At some point, I came across a female doctor who probably after seeing my messy hair, no make up, dark circles under my eyes and probably not the most outdoorsy clothes (grabbed whatever didn’t have spit or poo on it) sat me down, told me to take my child out of a sling (because he doesn’t need me all the time), and gave me a HUGE speech on how I’m parenting this child all wrong; all these because NHS repeatedly failed to diagnose our dragon with reflux and milk allergies. Because the mother needs time for herself, needs time to do hair, to put make up on, to clean up the house; and the baby should be left alone, even if it cries because it is not cruel, it is normal. I agreed to some degree with the fact that we have our own needs that need to be satisfied, which is why I went home that day, full of inner conflict: am I doing it all wrong?! How can I let my little baby, my defenseless (pain in the butt) infant cry alone because I’m doing something as silly as powdering my nose?! I couldn’t. Something didn’t add up. I’ve done tons of research (yeah, that’s the scientist in me creeping up sometimes) on sleep training methods, cry outs, camping out etc., and the most important thing I’ve learnt from this whole experience was that – I’m alone in this!!! No medical specialist EVER provided ANY help or support or advice that had ANY value. NOTHING.
I have a feeling that I’m not the only one feeling this way, as out of nearly 200 responses I got from you, only 1 (ONE) person mentioned that she has support from a medical personnel. Which is both alarming, disturbing and appalling! As some of you mentioned, it makes it very difficult to raise a HNB in a society where professionals are either not familiar with or ignorant to the issue. It’s hard to expect others to have an understanding when even medical personnels dismisses our struggles and need for more information and advice. Every child is different and some need (much) more effort and attention to become their best versions of themselves. What could make a small difference would be a gentle push towards literature on parenting HNB, a bit more understanding from a GP or pediatrician and maybe a local meeting place for parents, preferably led by an experienced professional who could provide hands-on advice on how to survive the HN infant and toddler stages. Because it will get easier with time, it’s just the matter of surviving until those better days come along (have a look here on how some of the HN characteristics change over different life stages).
With the current situation however, NO wonder so many of us turn to the internet, with various groups looking for answers and support. In fact, I’ve found out about HNB on a facebook group – after describing what we are going through somebody in a nursing Facebook group suggested HN and I started googling it. Came across Dr. Sears’ website and book. Thank God and all saints for this man – “father” of HNB term who not only provides TONS of advice and info but also provides comfort to HNB parents acknowledging it’s not our fault and our parenting mistakes that made our kids HN (he has 8 kids and 5th one turned out to be HNB, so, on top of being a renowned pediatrician and author, he knows it all from experience).
Below I made a short list of Facebook groups that bring together parents of HNB in case some of you are looking for more like-minded and understanding parents. It goes without saying that I am always willing to exchange private messages with any of you and share experiences.
High Need Baby Polska (in Polish)
Fussy toddler site
Fussy baby site
Peaceful dragons
Raising your spirited child
High need and spirited infants and toddlers
